singdammit ([info]singdammit) wrote,
@ 2008-03-12 08:25:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:family, grad school, year of living naked

I Accepted Boulder's Offer
Things are getting that "far-out, way-too-real" feeling.

I am excited, yes. Sure. Absolutely. It is going to be an exciting change for me- a bright new chapter, blah, blah, blah. But as one student said to me during me visit, "grad school brings up all your shit."

Yup, it does.

I have this fear, probably irrational, that when I leave home, bad things happen to my family and I can't get back to them. It's happened both times I've lived apart from the inmates at Camp Freak-a-Lot. So imagine my angst yesterday when I get a call from my mom- she's in the emergency room. Again.

My mom has random ailments and spells usually when she's traveling, but luckily she works at the hospital, so she's relatively well-versed and when she's at home, she gets rock-star treatment. But it certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy about leaving her here to fend for herself, especially with Man still needing a kidney transplant and getting sicker every day. 

These are not older people- my mom is only 19 years older than I am...and I ain't old. But their frailties worry me- what if something happens while I'm taking my comps? At a conference?

I know, in real life, people deal with this stuff all the time. And I know there's nothing I can do to stop things from happening. But yesterday, as I booked my one-way flight to Denver in August, I felt like Alice sliding down the rabbit hole. Here. We. Go.
 




(Post a new comment)

fundamental truths...
(Anonymous)
2008-03-12 07:50 pm UTC (link)
In the spirit of all the other conversations we've ever had in life, I'd like to offer you a couple of fundamental truths (read: ugly, crappy true bits about life) that I've learned:

1. If you expose your feelings to someone, it is the greatest feeling you'll ever have. And you are guaranteed to get hurt.

2. If you commit to living your life the way you'd like to live it, you'll feel exhilarated, happy, and grounded. And terrible things will happen.

Here's the thing: if you chose not to expose your feelings or live to the fullest, you would still get hurt, and the truth is, terrible things are still going to happen. Its just that the scenarios described above remove your RESPONSIBILITY for those things happening, because you make the choice to do the things you outght to for yourself.

A story, and then I'll quit...

When Sean and I moved to Raleigh, I had a similar feeling. I just knew that when I moved, something awful would happen, and I did it anyway. Guess what? Within a month, Hattie died. It sucked. It hurt. It felt like somehow it was my fault. (Lots of very pricey conversations with my therapist have convinced me otherwise.) I blamed my husband for the terrible things. It really caused a lto of hurt and confusion. I would like to spare you those costly conversations, and the hurt and confusion by absolutely assuring you that terrible things will in fact happen...which sounds paridoxical. But once you accept as truth that the things would happen with or without your interaction, you can stop tethering yourself to the outcome, and do that "living naked" thing you've been extolling for awhile.

besides...let's look at this in a bigger picture...you think you got more pull than the great almighty? Shyt's gonna go down whether you are there or not. Sorry, chica. Them's the rules.

:) Love you. You can do it. We'll all help you. And its going to take some adjustment. But I have faith in you. :)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: fundamental truths...
[info]singdammit
2008-03-13 04:29 am UTC (link)
Damn you for being wise...and right!

I'm relaxing, honest- it's just that a one-way ticket is not very common in my world. Can, you, dig, it...MAN?!

I'm smiling over here, and starting to purge. I (and you) won't let me chicken out.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]momoyeahmomo
2008-03-13 09:24 am UTC (link)
doing the happy dance for you my dear!

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]singdammit
2008-03-13 05:51 pm UTC (link)
Thanks hon. I'm moving to Andrea Gibson's part of the world!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…